


Free

by n_g_m_3692



Series: You ever think, back in the day, this is where we'd be? [2]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gap Filler, M/M, Mickey Milkovich-centric, POV Second Person, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:54:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27087421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_g_m_3692/pseuds/n_g_m_3692
Summary: A convoluted history of love, starting with their first summer together, all the way to their wedding--from Mickey's perspective this time."You’ve smiled more this one summer than the rest of your life put togetherHe brings out a side of you that you never even knew existedYou don’t have a word for it—for the feeling you get in your chest when you’re with himIt’s a rush, fast paced and all-consumingYou’re addicted to itYou don’t think you’ll ever be able to live without itYou think a scary thoughtAn impossible oneHow can you love him?You’ve spent your whole life unloved and unlovingAnd yet, you love himAnd maybe he loves youMaybe you are no longer unloved and unloving*You can’t love himYou’re reminded of this the next morning"
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: You ever think, back in the day, this is where we'd be? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973218
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Free

Your eyes are instantly drawn to him

He looks older

He cut his shaggy hair and the freckles have faded from his face

You mourn the loss against your own will

When you get closer you realize you were wrong

—the freckles are still there, you just have to look a little harder for them

When he isn’t looking you do

He catches you in the act and smirks

You play it off

You were just admiring his body

That’s all you like him for anyway

Right?

*

As hot, sunny days come and go, you feel a shift

He smiles at you more and more

—you find yourself smiling back

Your days of quick hookups and clipped conversations are over

You linger afterwords, letting him trace his fingers up and down your spine

You shiver against him, but don’t back away like you know you should

You share cigarettes and swap stories, finding any excuse to spend more time with him

*

You’ve never been as happy as you are right now

You never even knew this was possible

You know he wants more

You hope he understands why you can’t give it to him

You’re infatuated, enamored

You’re fascinated by everything he does

You memorize his freckles like they’re constellations

You think, maybe, you could spend your whole life mapping them out

You’ve smiled more this one summer than the rest of your life put together

He brings out a side of you that you never even knew existed

You don’t have a word for it

—for the feeling you get in your chest when you’re with him

It’s a rush, fast paced and all-consuming

You’re addicted to it

You don’t think you’ll ever be able to live without it

*

If was only a matter of time

Somebody was eventually going to find out

Of course it was fucking Frank

He insists that you have nothing to worry about

Nothing to worry about?

How can he even say that?

 _What fucking world do you live in?_ you ask bitingly

He’s begging you

He’s being so honest that it scares you

 _You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me_ , you say

You ignore the tears in his eyes

It’s his fault for getting attached

You don’t care, you remind yourself

—not about him or his stupid freckles or his goofy grin

*

If you don’t care then why do you stop yourself?

You see police officers nearby and an idea sparks in your head

—a way to protect yourself without hurting him

It’s him you think about while they cart you off

Somehow you miss him already

He looks surprised to see you

Did he think you wouldn’t come find him?

You thought about him every day that you were gone

He seems different, a little hardened maybe

—a little less willing to look past your facade

But the two of you fall right back into your familiar rhythm anyway

Long, lazy days at the store

Cool nights at the dugouts

Secret smiles and soft hands

*

He tries to make you jealous

It works

You watch him, keeping a close eye on the older man that’s with him

You hate the way he’s looking at him

The man look ravenous, almost

Like Ian is a prize to be won

You can’t stop yourself from attacking him

You pretend it’s because he called you his boyfriend

But really, secretly, you love the word

He chases you up and down the alley

You feel free, with him

You laugh and laugh and laugh

When did he manage to break down every one of your walls? you wonder

Why are you not working harder to build them back up?

*

 _He isn’t afraid to kiss me,_ he says

Afraid

You aren’t afraid

Fear is a luxury you’ve never been able to afford

You think about it the whole drive

You sneak glances over at him and imagine what it would feel like

Once everybody’s filed out of the car you hold your breath

You run back to him and catch him in a kiss

It’s rough and short

It’s terrifying

It’s the best thing you’ve ever done

*

He’s lounging on your couch, cracking jokes and making you laugh in spite of yourself

If you didn’t know any better you’d call it a date

You spent the whole day with him

And now the whole night

At first you flit around each other, brushing your knees together and sharing furtive glances

The air feels charged

—electric, even

You’ve spent so much of your life numb

Feelings brought you nothing but pain

But with him, you wonder for the first time if it really is worth the risk

He leans over and kisses you

You recoil at first, but he smiles down at you with kind, desperate eyes

You kiss him back, letting him know you in a way nobody’s ever known you before

You think a scary thought

An impossible one

How can you love him?

You’ve spent your whole life unloved and unloving

And yet, you love him

And maybe he loves you

Maybe you are no longer unloved and unloving

Maybe that’s just another way he’s changed you

You shake off the thought

You focus on his hands on your body and his lips on your neck

You can’t love him

You’re reminded of this the next morning

*

You see it every time you close your eyes

Her dead eyes and cold hands

You surround yourself with noise

You shoot and you shoot and you shoot

When he shows up you barely register him

He’s saying something

You keep your eyes straight ahead

*

 _You love me_ , he tells you

When did he become so bold?

He was always brave, yes, but never this rash

You would admire him for it if what he’s saying didn’t terrify you

You don’t tell him he’s wrong

Of course you love him

You don’t know what love is, but you know you love him

It doesn’t matter

—if these past few weeks have taught you anything it’s that your feelings don’t matter

You hit him and you hit him and you hit him

You need him to leave you alone

Being around him and not being allowed to love him is slowly killing you

*

You can barely breathe

The bowtie around your neck is choking you

You pace back and forth, reminding yourself why you have to do this

You don’t have a choice

He bursts in the room smelling like booze and tears

His eyes are wild and dangerous and he’s too close

You push him off, knowing you won’t be able to stop yourself if he keeps looking at you like this

You finally break

You crash into him and give yourself over to him, allowing yourself to feel free one last time

*

 _So what are we gonna do?_ he asks

_You gonna tell everybody to leave?_

You scoff

He still thinks you have a choice in this?

If it were up to you of course you would tell everybody to leave

—of course you would save yourself from this fate

But it’s not

You messily build your walls back up

A small part of you hopes that he can see through them

—that he’ll keep trying, maybe present you with another option

He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something

Mandy interrupts before you can hear what it is

You turn your back on him and go play the part you have to play

*

He’s leaving?

No

_No_

He can’t leave

He can’t just—

The finality in his eyes scares you

You know that look

Nothing can change his mind when he gets that look

You try but it’s not enough

You’re not enough, you realize

He smiles at you sadly, like he expected nothing more from you

He never used to look at you like that

He used to look at you like you could give him everything

He leaves without even saying goodbye

You fall to the bed, letting a sob fall from your mouth for the first time in years

You feel empty without him

—like there’s nothing left inside of your chest

You love him

But it doesn’t matter what you feel

You try to become unloved and unloving again

It doesn’t work

You wonder if you’ll ever truly be unloving again, because of him

You think he might have ruined you

*

Your house is much too crowded

Your bed isn’t your bed anymore

Your life isn’t your life anymore

He becomes your escape

—he always was, but you need it now more than ever

The only time you feel like yourself is when you think of him

You’ve never missed anyone this way

You’ve never loved anyone this way

It terrifies you

*

They ask you to find him

You feel alive for the first time in months

You track him down, trying not to let your hope build

When you finally lay eyes on him he’s in some guys lap

He opens his mouth, taking whatever the man gives him

Your stomach drops when you see him like this

He doesn’t belong here

His eyes are supposed to be bright and wild, not dark and stormy

He looks at you without really looking at you

He looks broken down and worn

His skin is too pale and his cheekbones too pronounced

You finally touch him again but it’s all wrong

How can you miss him when he’s right in front of you?

*

They eventually force you to leave

He doesn’t stop them

You wait outside for hours, cursing yourself for not finding him sooner

When he finally emerges some old fuck has his hands down his pants

You get rid of him, wishing you could do more than just punch him

When you turn around and see him laying in a pile of snow you almost lose it

You try not to think about how many nights he must have spent just like this

—lying alone in the cold, with no one around to protect him

*

You watch over him as he sleeps, carefully observing the rise and fall of his chest

She leans in the doorway

You can tell she knows

You’re glad you don’t have to explain it to her

What would you say?

 _I love him_?

No

You can’t say it out loud

But you do love him

You’re more certain of this than you’ve ever been of anything

*

He stays and you revel in the domesticity

You love waking up next to him

You love pouring him his coffee in the morning

You even love his family

They’re not like the family you’re used to

They’re loud, yes

But it’s love that they scream about

—you don’t think you’ve ever been around this much love before

*

You go with him to work as often as you can

You hate how they all look at him

He isn’t a prize to be won or a thing to be bought

You wish he’d remember this

But, at the end of the day, you’re the one he comes home to

You’re the one he holds

You’re the one he kisses under the flashing lights

You’re the one he loves

You start to believe that your initial fear was an overreaction

He’s still Ian

He’s just as bright as he used to be

Even if his smiles are too forced sometimes and his laughs are a little too loud

He’s Ian

He’s beautiful and unbreakable

*

He’s leaving

 _You’re not free,_ he says

Of course you are, you think

You didn’t use to be

But now you are, with him

You tell him this, begging him to understand

His eyes search your face and you think he’s going to relent

Your dad bursts in the door and you flee

You slip effortlessly back into your role

You watch him out of the corner of your eye the whole time

You hate the hard set of his jaw and the pain written on his face

You hate that you’re the one who put it there

_*_

He’s calling you a coward

You’re not a coward

You’re a survivor

You thought he understood this

He brushes past you and you almost let him go

But you don’t

You can’t

You’d do anything for him

Even this

*

Your tooth hurts and your head is pounding

An odd sense of relief washes over you

For once, maybe for the first time in your life, you aren’t scared

Terry’s gone and Ian’s right in front of you, smiling at you like you dragged the moon out of the sky for him

You would, if he asked you to

You love him

You hope that one day you’ll be able to tell him

*

You wake up feeling better than you have in weeks

You feel free

You feel safe

 _You love him?,_ she asks

 _Yes_ , you think

 _Maybe_ , you lie, _I don’t know_

*

It’s noon

He’s barely moved all day

You do everything you can to get him up

Nothing works

 _Sleep all day, see if I care,_ you say, ignoring the worry brewing in your stomach

He’s fine, you tell yourself

He has to be  
*

It’s after five and you’re terrified now

You had just gotten used to not being scared

 _Leave me alone_ , he yells

The roughness in his voice shocks you

You’ve never heard his kind voice become so sharp

*

Finally you get help

She’s saying things that don’t make sense

_He’s depressed_

_He may have to be hospitalized_

_He could end up suicidal_

No

This doesn’t make sense

He’s—

He’s Ian

He’s your everything

They can’t take him away

You’ve already seen what life looks like without him

You can’t live like that

Not again

Not after you finally got a taste of freedom

Why won’t they just let you take care of him?

You can do it

The two of you have made it through everything else, you reason

—whats so different about this?

 _He stays here,_ you say, leaving no room for debate

_He’s staying with me_

You watch him, closer than ever

You let yourself believe it was a fluke

—just a bad day

He wakes you up in the middle of the night

He fills your house with suitcases

He goes after people without one thought to the consequences

Your surety is slipping

But he doesn’t stay in bed all day

He kisses you and loves your son

He fits so easily into your life you don’t remember what it was like before he was there

You live in denial, ignoring every odd glint in his eye and every half-baked plan

*

Eventually the problem becomes too glaring for you to ignore

He doesn’t even understand that what he’s doing is dangerous

One of these days he’s going to get himself killed

He laughs when you try to tell him

Then he just looks sad, almost disappointed

You press your hand into his chest, slamming him into the wall

You know you’re being too rough

—you never learned how to be scared any other way

You hold your ground

Finally, he nods and you let out a breath

He’ll get help

He’s going be okay

*

He’s gone

You spend all day in your house, surrounded by the mess he left in his wake

You wonder how you let it get this bad

You just wanted one thing

—one small happiness

You just wanted him

 _I love you,_ you say for the first time in your life

You don’t know if you want him to hear it or not

You just want him to come home

*

When you see him again you almost to fall to the ground

—you almost let out the sob that you’ve been holding in for months now

He’s a pale imitation of his former self

—small and frail in a way somebody like him should never be

You hug him and he stands stock still in your arms

You long for the naive sense of safety you had just days ago

*

He sleeps on your shoulder the whole way

You know that you’re going have to let him go

It’s just for a few days, you tell yourself

A few days and then he’ll be home again

*

The guilt is pouring out of him in droves

He tries to walk past you but you don’t let him

You wrap him in your arms, like that alone could protect him

You press your face into his neck

You hold on until the last second

You watch him get led away

You feel lost without him at your side

*

You hate the yellow clothes they have him in

They make him look washed out

There are two empty pits where his eyes should be

If you didn’t know any better you might think he’s dead

He won’t even look at you

You feel sick

*

He’s getting out today

The knowledge looms over you

You do nothing

You know it’s selfish but you can’t go see him

You don’t know if you can stand to look into his lifeless eyes anymore

*

Eventually you come to your senses

You love him

—no matter what

You loved him when he was cruel and hardened

You loved him when he was bright and addicting

You love him now, even when his eyes are lifeless and his body is cold

You know that he’s still everything he used to be and more

He’s Ian

—your favorite person and fiercest love

You’d do anything for him

*

You throw yourself into the work

You try harder to help him than you’ve ever tried at anything

Nothing’s ever been this important

He bristles under your care, but you persist

You have no doubt that you’ll make it through this

Together

*

He leaves again and he comes back again

He seems to have made his mind up

It used to be you and him against the world

Now he seems to think you’re the enemy

—or maybe he thinks he’s the enemy

Either way he can’t see that you’re on the same side

He asks you what love means

Once, that question might have stumped you

Now you answer it without even thinking twice

 _It means we take care of each other,_ you say

_It means thick and thin, sickness, health, all that shit_

He laughs at you in that hollow, humorless way of his

You love him

—all of him

Why can’t he see that?

You don’t give a fuck if he thinks he’s broken

You just want him

You’re prepared to spend the rest of your life reminding him of this

But you’ll never get the chance

You lose him and your freedom in one fell swoop

It makes sense

—they’ve always been the same thing

You’re desperate and you let it show

You even trace it into your skin with ink

You don’t care anymore

He’s been coming less and less

You know one of these visits is going to be the last

You drag your eyes over his limp hair and glassy eyes

You search for any sign that the boy who loved you is still in there

When he smiles at you, you know

It’s still him

He still loves you and you still love him

You ask him if he’ll wait

He hesitates just a beat too long before answering

 _Yeah Mick,_ he says, _I’ll wait_

You don’t know if you believe him

You think it might be the first time in your life that you don’t know what he’s thinking

You hope you aren’t wrong about him

*  
You feel yourself wasting away

You barely even have the energy to be mad at him

This place does it to you

You make friends and you pass time

But mostly you just miss him

—him and everything you could have been together

When you step out into the open air again you only have one thing on your mind

You need to find him

You decided long ago

—it was hardly a choice, really

You want another chance with him

You still love him

And, despite everything, you know he still loves you

You couldn’t explain it if you tried

—you just know

*

You see him again under the bleachers

He looks good

—better

You’re glad

He was too skinny the last time you saw him

His hair was too flat and his cheeks too hollow

He looks like himself again

You try not to think about what that means for you

He’s not quite meeting your eyes

You keep trying, knowing it’s now or never

*

You wait at the docks all day

Just when you start to think he’s not coming, you see him

This time you don’t hold back

He’s still trying to deny it but you see through it

He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t feel what you feel

Kissing him is like coming home

You tell him this over and over again

Wordless but loud

He does the same

*

You sleep better that night than you have in a year

You had forgotten how safe his arms make you feel

You had forgotten how easy it is to let your guard down around him

You had forgotten what it feels like to be free

Being without him was like being without a limb

You survived

You pressed forward

But a piece of you was always missing

The wound was sloppily bandaged

You could see the carnage every time you closed your eyes

You let yourself forget that, if only for a few days

He’s here, and suddenly the scar isn’t so jagged

You know he loves you and you let that heal you

You’re more yourself than you have been in forever

Thats always how it was with him

_*_

_I can’t_

Your wound is violently ripped back open

You think it might be fatal this time

 _I love you_ , he says

But he doesn’t say it like it should be said

He says it like an apology

You back away from him

Maybe you can be cruel too, you think

You want to be mad at him

You wish you had the power to hate him

You don’t

You understand him too well to ever be mad at him

Of course he can’t come with you

Maybe it wasn’t fair to ask him in the first place

—but you had to try

It’s not your fault the world keeps splitting you apart

You rush back into his arms

You let yourself remember what home feels like, one last time

As you drive away you remember your two universal truths:

You love him

You can’t have him

You try this time

You try to move on

You meet other guys

You forge some sort of life for yourself

You remind yourself over and over again of the truth

You love him but you can’t have him

That’s just the way it is

*

When you see his face printed on a tattered t-shirt your heart clenches

You turn on your old phone for the first time in months

You don’t even know why you kept it

Maybe you weren’t ready to let go of the one thing he could use to reach you

Maybe you were just being reckless, like you always were for him

_Hey, Mick_

Your jaw drops when you hear his voice

You sink to the ground and let it wash over you, listening to him tell you everything you’ve missed

He got off his meds and into trouble

He’s facing serious time

_No_

He was supposed to be getting better

All you ever wanted was for him to get better

He’s starts going on about you

He loves you

He misses you

You smile and push yourself off the floor

You’re going after him

You’re going to get him back

—for good this time

No more goodbyes

No more heartbreak

*

Everything is set in place

You found out where he’s being sent

You negotiated a solid deal

Now all that’s left is to turn yourself in

You never thought you’d be a snitch

—but you’d do anything for him

 _Soon,_ you think

Soon you’ll be together

He’ll finally be yours again

You’ve always been his

His hair is black

It’s jarring at first, because it was always orange hair that filled your dreams

But his eyes are just as bright as you remember

He melts into you and you pull him closer to you

Too close will never be enough

You’re home at last

 _I love you,_ he says

It’s not an apology this time

It’s a promise

 _I love you too_ , you say

He kisses you a thousand times and makes you a thousand promises

You believe every single one of them

He’s fully himself again

He’s Ian

He’s stubborn and soft, tough and caring

You love every part of him, even the ones you hate

After years of living without a piece of yourself

—years and years of being trapped and alone, unloved and unloving

You’re finally free, with him

He’s smiling at you from across the table

 _I love you,_ he says, taking your hands, _and I trust you_

_Do you love and trust me too?_

You scoff

Of course you do

You mull it over

Marriage

The rest of your lives

You smile back at him

 _I do,_ you say

It’s the easiest decision in the world

*

His hands are shaking as he grips the pen

He looks up at you and your stomach drops

You know that look

It’s the same one he wore when he broke up with you

—and when he left you at the border

It’s apologetic

But not apologetic enough

You stalk out of the room and blink away the tears in your eyes

Every single wound you thought he had stitched closed is open again

Why do you keep letting him ruin you? you wonder

Because you love him

You would do anything for him

Even hand him your heart knowing what could happen

He’s trying to reason with you, talking about Monica and Frank or some bullshit

When will he understand?

It’s you and him against the world

—that means forever

You thought he knew that

*

He comes to see you

You fake nonchalance, knowing he can see through it

He knows you love him

You know he loves you

You never doubted that for a second

But, like always, there’s something keeping you apart

He hands you a ring and you think _maybe this is it_

Then he calls it a promise ring and your heart shatters all over again

You don’t know how much more of this you can take

You falter, for a second

 _You’re just saying you don’t love me enough now,_ you say

You don’t know if you believe it, but you say it anyway

 _How do you know you love me?,_ he asks in that broken voice of his

You just know, you think

You couldn’t possibly explain it

Love has always been synonymous with him

To you, love is bright hair and brighter eyes

It’s soft skin and freckles

It’s is his nose pressed into the back of your neck

It’s is his arms wrapped around you

It’s him

You tell him to get over himself

Because he knows all of this

You’re ready to wait until he accepts it

You’d wait a lifetime for him

*

You’ve been watching him all night

Hoping and hoping and hoping

You’re tired of being without him

You’re ready to fall back into his arms

Finally he does it

He gets down on one knee and starts rehearsing some speech

You don’t listen

You don’t care about the words coming out of his mouth

You just care that he’s here, choosing you

 _Of course I’ll fucking marry you,_ you say

You’ve never felt more sure about anything

*

You’re in a room full of people, but you can only see him

 _To love and to cherish you ’til death do us part,_ you promise

You hand him your heart, one last time

You know he’ll keep it safe

You know you’ll never be unloved or unloving again

You revel in the freedom of this

—the freedom of forever

**Author's Note:**

> I love Mickey a lot but fuck he is a hard character to write for. I hope I did him justice.  
> Please let me know what you thought!


End file.
